This is a post. What is a post for? A post is for letters to be marked not in stone but in the fabric of the internet. Never to be erasen unless it is actually manually delete it by my hands. I trust thoughts.com to not erase all my posts. If depression occurs, I will just have to read the past blogs to bring a smile to my face.
Looking into and outside myself, I conclude that I could be a good drug addict. Not that drug addicts are good but rather that I could play the role of one good. And in some ways I do. Videogames are my escape to reality and well other things. Video games like other things are very pleasurable. Reality is somewhat scary. But to feel lost in plesure is not scary at all. I feel foolish to be scared and the logical thing would be to not be scared but sometimes my acts make no sense.
So, it is time to take a deep look into myself. The inner most part of me seems to have a desire to understand and learn. As in while taking every step, I should take in what is like to feel this body of mine. How my fingers feel, the way I manipulate them as I am writing this post. How my brain thinks and feels. It is as if I could feel the small electricity charges in my brain. Or how my stomach feels slightly upset because of something I recently ate.
I rather know my body well and I feel like I should be nicer to it. Keep it healthy. Exercise five times a week will be my goal. Run 30 miles per week is something I'd like to aim at. I did power yoga last week. That was pretty fun. I definitely will be coming for more.
To feel lost on pleasure, that's the drug addict's verdict I would assume. And that's how I feel at times. But that's not really what I want. What I want is to find something I am passionate about. I should become a teacher. For a teacher to teach, it must learn? To understand the world... what an insane goal.
Life is truly mesmerizing. Sometimes I feel like a lost child... not sure where to go find safety.
But what is the true me? The true me is kindness and the true me is love. And yet sometimes I can be not those things. The world confuses me and I suppose that is fine. And sometimes I am made to feel as if I were in drifiting boat... just comtemplating the sky, feeling the air as the boat of life follows its course rather slowly. Laying on my back, hearing the lazy sounds of my environment, all the while knowing night will fall.
I really enjoy comedy. It is sad that I express myself better in writing than actually talking. It is funny sometimes to see me struggle to find the right word when talking with someone. But while writing there is no pressure, I can take as long as I want to find the right word.
This world is in fact mysterious. It perplexes me, it amazes me, it confuses me. I am not religious but I might be spiritual. The feeling that comes while I focus on these things... awe and a willingness to do the right thing. To look into myself, there is need to look outside the world. What is my part on it? To nurture it, to protect it, to appreciate it, and to be in harmony with it.
How does me fit in someone else's life? To be in a relationship means to share much, to love much, to be as much one person as possible. It is mostly good and a little bad. There is much I am yet to learn. Some people might think love is easy. But I haven't found it easy. I wonder where the girl of my dreams is. I am supposed to marry someone, right?
Whatever she could be doing? I suppose I should work on myself so that when we meet she feelts attracted. And so what am I? Just another human being. A deeply curious one. A little bit of a strange one. An artistic human with a few but intense manly moments. A soul that believes in self-growth. Who enjoys humour and loves music.
And what am I to be? The more confident kind, the more loving and the more understanding. The more emotionally balanced and the healthier one.
And so I will look forward to the me who works hard, believes in himself and always ask questions.