Reflections of a Lonely Man

Reflections of a lonely man. But who is this man? The man is the one writing this. Why am I man? I feel like I am old enough to be one. I am 24 soon to be 25. And I suppose the rule that says "a girl becomes a woman when does you know what" doesn't apply to men. I might be wrong to suppose it.


Let's change the subject: why do I write? I write because of me. I write because it is cool to me. Because it is funny to me. I am very egoccentric when it comes to writing. I have known this for the longest of time. And so, I will keep on writing. Of course, I write for other people too but that is somewhat my secondary audience. It is a pain because then I have to consider what everyone else wants to read about. I guess I am not very good at giving what others want (would I like to improve this skill?)


So, I keep on writing thousands of inside jokes that only me would get. I do believe that it takes to have many of my experiences to really appreciate what I am saying. The writing process is almost a way for me to remember in the future all the funny things I've thought about. Isn't it then scary to think about all funny things I haven't written down... now forgotten? It is. I accept it and make a pledge to write as many things as I possibly can.


To make this post more inclusive to anyone who isn't me, so that all of you can better appreciate my brilliance, I will paint a picture what it is like to be me. First of all, I am a human. So, that being said, if you know humans, you know a lot about me already. Sadly, I am not a meerkat. Why a meerkat? I tend to believe they are noble creatures and they are my third favorite animal. My second favorite being dogs. 


If you read this post or even this title, you will realize I suck at relationships. Well, maybe not relationships since I haven't had many. I might be good at relationships but I guess I do suck at getting into relationships. This is something that deeply concerns me. You see, as a human, I'd like to not be alone...but I am. Do you see the problem? So, definetely it is something that keeps me up night (not literally).


I guess I could care more about it. If I only just tried, I am sure I would be able to get a decent person. But most of the time I am very unmotivated. I have a desire to go and meet women but I also have plenty of bad experiences when it comes to meeting someone and falling in love. Such experiences make my desire to meet women less of a desire. And so, I just put on a videogame and improve on that. There are not many negative experiences in a videogame. It is mostly fun. It is fun getting better at it. At some point though, hopefully soon, I will be able to get over my past fears and just meet someone to which I can say "you'll do".


Let's talk more about me. I am immigrant from South America. I am billingual. I am fluent both in Spanish and English. I have lived in the USA for ten years. Since I've been undocumented for some of my stay here, I've always felt like some people didn't want me here. This feeling of being rejected is very bothersome. For some it is less of a bother but since I have always being a very sentimental and serious person, I always took it harder than most. Even to the point of feeling worthless. But hey, I pay my taxes. And yet I don't get to vote. Whereas someone who doesn't pay taxes apparently gets to be a candidate for the presidency of the USA. Life is unfair.


Also, I don't believe in religions. I don't believe in a religious god. But I sometimes find myself praying to aliens. Is it the same?


I am a very arrogant person. Sometimes I am arrogant without basis and behave like a jackass. Anyway, I like to feel like I am the smartest person in the world. I feel a lot of my worth is based on me being a genius. I didn't do bad at school and I would have done better but I never would have suspected that not being good at other areas in my life would have affected my studies so much. Like not being good at being born in the USA. Or being good at getting particular girls to romantically like me. Am I complaining too much?


I love music. I LOVE MUSIC. I don't know why. It has become a habit of mine to search and listen to music from all aroud the world and epochs. As I write this, I am listening to music. I have to always be listening to something. I play piano. When girls hear me play the piano, they fall for me. Why don't I play the piano to get girls then? Because it is awkward to have someone like me just because I play the piano. And because it is awkward to get out of my way to ask a girl I like to listen to me play the piano. I mean I would have to get to know her for sometime to be able to have an opportunity. And it is awkward for me to meet girls in the first place. I believe I told you why.


My greatest fear right now is dying at this age with a certain book by my side and being remembered as someone who wasn't able to find the princess he had always been looking for. There are worst things than death.


This whole thing is kind of depressing. But here is something nice about me. I am able at will to enjoy the small things in life. Like a cloudy sunny afternoon, or just the feeling of being alive. Sensitivity can be a good thing, too.















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Comments (2)

  1. cjb321

    You are very young to analyze yourself so deeply. So you WERE undocumented. But you are not NOW so do not think that way. I believe it is a plus that you are bilingual. Think of that!! Religion is a personal thing so believe what you want….not what others want you to believe. As to arrogance. What makes you think others don’t feel the same way at times? Is it pride? Or something deeper. Search yourself for the reason you think so. You might be surprised. Just be yourself and don’t try to be someone else!
    I love music too. You are obviously very artistic. Just mention to someone you are interested in that you play and if she is interested in YOU she will ask you to do so. Can’t hurt to try. On a final note, lots of people are concerned about dying, you are not alone, unless you are obsessing about it. So don’t be concerned!
    Just know there are people around you who care!

    October 10, 2016
    1. Dino01

      October 11, 2016