“It was as if he were listening, with his head on his chest, to innumerable songs and trying to choose one, the most beautiful and most despairing of all. He at last made his choice and started a heart-rending air. From time to time he eyed me slantwise. I felt that what he could not or dare not tell me in words he was saying with the santuri. That I was wasting my life, that the widow and I were two insects who live but a second beneath the sun, then die for all eternity. Never more! Never more!”
An excerpt from the book “Zorba the Greek” by Nikolas Kazantzakis. I’ve been reading this book and I’ve been enjoying it very much. It has its funny moments. It talks about life and the natural attraction between men and women (especially when it comes to how the ladies’ man behaves towards women). It might be one of my favorite books. And I read a lot. I have decided a while ago that for every book I read, I should change my behavior according to what I find fascinating in the book.
And in the back of my mind, the sentiment of the quote above is reinforced by a scene from the movie the Dead Poets Society. When the English teacher shows an old photo of students who passed away, he says:
“They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, learn in. Listen, you hear it?—Carpe-hear it?—Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”
So, because of primarily the first quote and supported by second one quote above, I began to think a lot about the short time I have in my life. It’s been 24 years now and it all seems to have gone really fast. It always seems like such a short amount of time when looking back I suppose and yet...
The ephemerality of life truly perplexes me and forces me to evaluate what not really--but truly really is important in my life. As a human being and if it helps as a thinking being who appreciates the truth, I understand how important relationships are in life. Since I am not a kid anymore, what I value most (like many other people around my age) is the romantic relationship. I have the strong natural desire to replicate my genes (not that it is often thought about it that way). Nature must be obeyed else something tragic might happen. I have experienced the tragic and I have learned. It is sometimes hard to recognize it for I’ve been fighting against the idea of needing someone in my life to make it better. The truth is the truth however.
With the realization that I want to have a good strong romantic relationship, I feel like I should be preparing myself. I am getting there but I still don’t feel quite ready. Either way, I thought I might go out on Saturday because life is short and having experiences beats not having any. I might learn something from there that which I can’t learn at home. And well, it might be fun and I might learn and practice my social game on women. Now, this is a club that is to me kind of wild. Not the normal type of club I go to. Hot girls that are somewhat “open to hot things” might be found there. I thought I will dance with them and it will be fun.
I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a person from the last time I’ve been there. I now had a lot of philosophies and ways to handle a wider amount of scenarios.
I arrive way too early. 9:45 pm is early on a nightclub. I had forgot. Oh well, I saw few people inside. A few hot girls who seem very young and very eager to make friends. I saw them flirting with these guys. I wonder if they met before. After an hour, they were sitting on those guys laps. I was a feeling a little jealous and trying to feel happy for the guys and in that I succeeded for the most part. I was on a balcony looking down on these girls and the guys. I could see the cleavage of one the girls, they were very much exposed from above. And that was nice. But also, looking down, I saw this very big woman whose cleavage was also very much exposed even more so from the balcony and I couldn’t help but laugh here and there. It was funny and it wasn’t so nice.
There was this hot blonde with a U.S. flag on her t-shirt who I decided not to talk to for I do not like patriotism because I do not like the “us vs them” mentality. Really, creating barriers rather than bridges? That’s not Christian. As I thinking that, I couldn’t help but also think that I was making excuses not to talk to girls. And also, strangely enough—I thought that to believe on the overall goodness of the US and to feel good and proud of that is better than to believe it is a declining country of sorts. One belief among the two is more practical and brings better results.
And so, I was chilling. Not really knowing what to do but to observe other people. A good song was being played. So, I asked the DJ what it was. I found out It was called beautiful things by Andain. I’ve listened twice to it several times after that day and I think it might have lost its initial charm. I talked to the person selling drinks who by the end of the night flirted with me a little.
And so people started dancing. The girls came in pairs. Most of them anyway. I wanted to dance with this skinny red hair girl but her friend was getting on the way who was not very attractive. Since I didn’t ask, the girls went to dance with two guys. They proceeded to grind against each other. And I thought chance missed. I should be quicker next time.
Around fifteen minutes passed and my chance came along. Two other girls came in. Both seem hot from a distance. So, I wasted no time and approached. I said with the most cool and confident voice I could muster, “Hey, guys, how are you doing?”
“Good. How about you?” They laughed a little.
“Good”. Before going over to them, I had decided to ask the blonde one to dance but as I got nearer I realized the brunette was the hotter one. It was too late though. I was already close to the blonde one. “Do you want to dance?”
They still laughed a little, asked each other “do you want to dance?” They replied to each other “Okay, let’s dance!”
To my surprise, they both came to the dance floor. Somewhere inside my mind, a voice must have thought I should seize the day. So, the voice told me, you should dance among them, very close to them. But I am very shy. So, I semi-ignored the voice. I grabbed the brunette by her hand and spun her a bit and got her closer to me isolating her friend. I did this without thinking very much. That’s how I started dancing with one of the hottest girls in the club that night.
Now, we were really close. I suppose we were trying to dirty dance but I somehow managed to do something else that apparently looked like waltzing because she said jokingly, “are we going to waltz now?” To which I replied with my cool voice, “We can do whatever we want.” Then, we started to grind more intimately and crazier. It felt very nice. I rubbed my knee against her lady parts because I thought that’s what you are supposed to do (I do not know what to think anymore).
Somehow and in some way my hand ended on her ass. I wasn’t really planning on going that far but it seemed natural. We were both aroused. It seemed like a devil came out of me that just knew what to do. Since I didn’t encounter any resistance whatsoever, I felt her butt with a little more force on my hand. It was very nice and round.
So, we were dancing like this minding our own business. I was very excited. But then her friend came back and told me if I mind she took her friend really quick to the bathroom. I guess I understand now it was wrong of me to ignore the blonde girl and take her friend away and dance with her. But at the time, I had no idea what just happened.
So, I just walked around aimlessly around the club not believing what just happened. It is definitely not something I normally do. I am kind of a nerd. I wonder if I could dance with her again because it was great fun.
When they came back, the brunette girl didn’t want to dance with me anymore. And I suspect the blonde had to do something with it. I asked three more times to whether I could dance with her again. She said no three of those times. I remember saying, “come on, just one more time” in my sexy sad wanting voice on her ear. She didn’t get mad. She just said, “I can only dance with a guy once”. And so I walked away perplexed. Was it a code for something? Did she not want to give false hopes to guys? Was she hired to dance with one guy only once though? What a mystery!
She then danced with two other guys in a somewhat provocative manner. Yeah, I counted. I suppose she might have been playing a game of how many guys she can dance with before going home.
I asked two other girls whether they wanted to dance. One was very pretty and the other was the red hair girl. One said “I have a boyfriend and I am waiting for him.” The boyfriend didn’t show up. And the other girl just laughed and walked away with her friend after her friend tried to dance with me and I refused.
And so I danced by myself. While I was dancing, guys will come up to me and say “hey, that was cool, man. I saw you with that hot girl. It was awesome, man. What’s your name? Good for you.” Several guys approached me good naturedly while laughing and just congratulated me for dancing with this hot girl. I didn’t know what to think. I am very much a lone wolf. I didn’t want to mix with those guys. And I felt awkward about being congratulated for grinding on a girl. I still don’t get it. Though, I guess it wasn’t very cool to do that and be observed by people. The girl’s image might be hurt. It seemed like a lot of people paid attention to our dance.
I went to the restroom and had the weirdest interaction ever. This guy who looked 18 and a punk (do they let people that age get into the club?). This guy who--before I danced with the hot girl--had not wanted to talk to me. He showed me this condom (I suppose it looked like one) and said “this is for fucking girls tonight, man”. He was chuckling and I wanted to get away. That was miles away outside my comfort zone. Thinking back now, I suppose he thought I could help him get laid.
So, thank you so much book “Zorba the Greek.” It was a very interesting night out. A highlight of my week and I owe it to you. Life sure can be fun if you are willing to get out and do something daring without being afraid to fail. And if you fail, to just learn from your mistake and try again in a very different way. Learn to fail or fail to learn. And to trust that at the end of the day, you will be okay.
Would I go back next Saturday? Maybe. :)