Knocking on Love's Door

Hey, open up!


If a normal person's voice is like the wind, mine would be like a breeze. When I was 16 years old, I told my roommate whom destiny had forced upon me how I wanted to just go somewhere and yell as long and as loud as I could. It wasn't because I was mad, sad or frustrated but because I thought it would be fun. He jeered at me. He was a jerk.


Even then I knew my voice was soft and I thought that by practicing making loud noises, It would be easier for me to speak louder.


The problem is that according to many people speaking softly is a sign of low self-esteem. Now, I think my self-esteem is okay but it would be better if it wasn't berated by the connection between low self-esteem and my inability to produce loud sounds.


So, why don't I just talk louder? Because it is hard. That is, it is hard if your habit is to talk softly as if you were being accused of something.


And so when I go on my way looking for love, my voice gets on the way. It is hard enough having accent but being soft-spoken makes it doubly hard for me to be understood. 


I went back to country to look for the girl whom took a bit of my breath away. I wanted to give us the opportunity to fall in love. I usually go the country club to meet girls. But this time, I went to meet just one particular girl. That made me nervous. As I entered the building, I became anxious and started looking for her. I couldn't find her and felt sad. But then I found her, she was dancing with this guy and they were pretty close to each other. I felt jealous but then I thought how silly it was to feel jealous since she wasn't my girlfriend or anything.


I asked her out. She seemed out of sorts. She told me she was sorry but she was really busy. Classic. After that, throughout the week, I tried to think of what I did wrong, so that next time I try a different approach. I knew I wasn't going to give up that easily though. I figured I should have talked to her more. Talking to girls, flirting with them is definitely something I am not very used to. In fact, most conversation I tend to have are intellectual ones. If they are not, I lose interest.


I can talk to people and I can flirt but it doesn't really come natural to me. Or at least not yet. I imagine a part of me can do this without difficulty but I haven't tapped that potentially within me yet.


Girls tell me I am a good dancer. I do not know, however, what good is dancing when having as your partner someone who you feel attracted to. Because all I really wanted was to have her close to me. Because it feels good. And so, we were basically embracing each other while moving our feets side to side just to give the illusion that we are dancing. And so, while "dancing", I felt like I finally found the place I belong to and that place being very close to her.


I hated the song for it being so short. For us to have to stop when I was so comfortable. She picked up on this and found it funny.


On Thursday night, we saw each other again. I talked to her more this time. I made some jokes. She laughed. It was good. I even asked her out again. And that's when she produced the same exact response as the first time . This didn't bother me as much as seeing her dance with other guys. They always seem to have her close just like I did. I can only now conclude that having her close is a universal pleasure. And it is definitely not something very special to feel like I did or to feel like she might have felt while being with me.


I told her that I will continue to keep asking and I was going to say more but my voice failed me. I wasn't looking at her but I knew she had left. I just stood there for a moment and then walked away somewhat awkwardly.


That is when some guy, who was twice my size, who must have seen the whole thing told me to speak up. He told me when you talk to girls you must make yourself be heard. I thought him both an ass and a cool person. As an example, he grabbed the girl I liked from wherever she was brought her to me and explained to me in front of her how to speak up. I was rather embarrassed. I said oh okay. And then he went and danced with her.


I do not want to give up on her but maybe it would be better to focus on other girls. It doesn't seem like she is looking for love. And if she were looking for love, she might not see much to love in me. Though, I still admire the way she makes me feel. Definitely a type of feeling that I don't get feel everyday but a feeling that I wished I did.


I am a bit lost here. Good thing I enjoy exploring.




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Comments (2)

  1. scarletts_letters

    Yes and no, depends on the tone of your voice, being a dude I’m sure you can carry it off, being quietly isn’t always a bad thing.
    Women mostly say no for a few reasons, chiefly is this – we like you to be asking us out because you want that more than anything, so if We go – I’m busy you need to knuckle down and work harder. If you say OK, well then you where not that interested anyway and your motivations will look dubious. Sometimes we say no because we have someone, or we might just not want to date, so if it’s hard settle for a coffee, and then during that coffee be funny, engaging, smart and interesting. This is a recipe for hell yes from a maybe.
    Also don’t get too fixated on the one girl, men tend to do this thing where they obsess, and its cool when you are dating but not cool if you seem obsessive or won’t leave someone alone.
    Women are more flexible in my experience, we date less for looks than men.

    April 14, 2017
    1. Dino01

      Thank you for the advice! I think it would also be good if I were to be knocking on more doors. I have to be more bold and talk to girls on the street or something. Haha.

      I am definitely better at feeling love than at starting relationships. I will mostly likely get better if I put more work into it. I have to work so much on so many things… it is going to take sometime. Ah life thou are a bitch!

      April 14, 2017