This post has nothing to do with work. I just wanted to get out of my system in a grand title-ish way.
My heart is worried at the moment because of the next ideas it feels like communicating. It hopes that it will do a good job. My heart, and in truth my entire being, wants to be known and understood. One way to achieve this is to tell you about a certain book that I suspect shaped and continues to shape my life.
It changed me. It described me. The book defined my life. It guided me. Do not fret, it is not a religious book. A certain religious book would impact my life but I do not think it impacted me the way "the certain book" did.
That book. That damn book. It is called "Los Ojos De Mi Princesa" by Carlos Cuahtemoc. I read it when I was fourteen. I read it in one day or was it fourteen hours? I haven't read anything that fast before.
"Los Ojos De Mi Princesa" is probably one of the best books that you will never read. So, I will feel free to tell you all about it, spoilers included.
You might be asking, how does a book shapes someone's life? You know, I have no idea. Even though, I have read many other books, no other impacted me as much as how that one did. It is not because the ideas in the book are refined, intelligent or revolutionary. It is because it contains a story that can be very relatable. It is about falling in love and about things not working out.
The protagonist of the story meets a girl with blue eyes. He dreams about her without even meeting her for the very first time. The protagonist then is set to live his first great love. This guy is overly romantic. Writes poems. Read a lot of books. He wants to be better for her to whom he calls his princess. He wants to marry this girl at some point (even though he is fifteen...he seems to already have found out who his wife will be). There is only one problem. She doesn't like him that way. She is pretty and popular. Lots of guys are interested in her. Why would she pick him? He does make a valiant effort to get the girl but he isn't very attractive and he is too serious and shy. However, somehow his romantic side and personality keeps winning little battles for her love and admiration.
At the end, however, he finds out after going to her house that she is sexually corrupted. That is, somehow while being drugged, she will let herself be part of what could be described as orgies. The protagonist, who was striving to become a highly moral person for his "princess", looks at what she is doing and receives a shock that well scars him. He is so shocked that he writes about him and her but with a different ending where she is as pure as he imagined her. An ending where she dies while loving him.
So, why was this my favorite book during my teenage years? Because the protagonist was capable of love. He was capable of loving. He loved the best way a teenager could love. And as a teenager, I also wanted to experience a similar type of love. I wanted a love to drive me forward. I desperately wanted a love that could make me a better person. I wanted a similar life as the protagonist but with a better ending. Even though the protagonist suffered because for a long time the girl didn't care much about him. He loved her beautifully. The book does a great way pointing out that love can make you a better person. The tragic end is perhaps its only problem. Even thought it ended badly, I wanted the better part of the protagonist's life. He was becoming better each day. He was growing as a person. Everybody admired how he was changing for the better. How he was able to do excellent stand up poetry after much practicing. He was coming out of his shell and working for a good future with the love of his life. He was well liked by other girls because of his romanticism. Sadly, the one he wanted didn't like him that much. The girl with the blue, green-ish eyes. Since I read that book, I wanted to be him. I wanted to be a person with good ideals, I wanted to be admired by all.
So, I pretty much imitated his life without even knowing it. Yeah, that's right. I also loved someone who didn't care about me. I hope that the tragedy would make me like the protagonist. I wanted to be admired. I wanted to be a romantic. I wanted to love and obtain the love of the one whom I loved. But for the most part, I imagine I wanted to become someone I could be proud of. I thought it was cool how I loved someone who didn't feel the same way I do. I think I knew somehow I will become a better person because of unrequited love. I was a romantic.
I re-read that particular book a week ago. I didn't want to. It actually took me two weeks to finish it this time around. It has been 10 years since the first time I read that book. I haven't been in a romantic relationship since then. I have fixated on girls that didn't really care about me. I didn't want to re-read it but I felt like I had to. I had my suspicions that the book shaped my destiny without me even realizing it. That it played a big part in my life without me consciously consenting to it. In 10 years, I have lived plenty. I have found better role models. I have read and lived while reading worse tragedies. And yet, this particular book still feels special. It describes my love life. For a long time, it described my hope. To find someone whom I can desperately fight for. To idolize a particular woman and think that she has no faults and that I had to fight to make her love me.
The protagonist's love was lost in a world of drugs and premature sexual pleasure. Either forced into it, seduced or out of her own free will. She wasn't the type of person he imagined. But re-reading it, I think he should have tried to take her out of that world. Because love should not have ended that way. Because everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Because as she was his princess, he could have been her prince. To save her. But he gave up.
I am 24. I haven't lived a life I would be proud of when it comes to love. I don't think an average person would feel proud about a romantic life such as mine. I have been living under a constant spell that the opposite sex had to represent this ideal type that will lift me out of my misery and make me a better person. But I haven't really made the connection that I could do the same for the opposite sex. Perhaps it is a lesson that I've been slow to learn and that might help when it comes to getting into a relationship. And perhaps it is not only just me. Perhaps we can all learn that not necessarily we need to find that perfect person in our lives, that we do not only need to find the person who inspires us to be better each day but that we can also find and be with a person to whom we can inspire to be better each day. A person whom we can help grow. A person that can make us grow. Maybe that's how relationships should be.
Do not seek for the ideal but seek for the actual true human.
It is not that bad for a love life motto.
If someone were to be able to look at my soul at the moment. It will be black and white. My soul is both pure and corrupted. I don't think I am that great of a person YET. I yet still have a lot to work on. But I wonder whether becoming a better person is worth it. It seems like being a bad person has its own rewards. Surely, there are bad guys who get the girls, the money, and the apparent better life.
I try to be a nice kid. It is tough at times. I suppose it is already rooted in my brain to be nice and not bother anybody. Those are ideals deeply encrusted in me. Sometimes I feel like they are ideas of the weak. How could I know?
Let me tell you something about being a human. We like to love. We want connections to others. It might be a bad way to put it but we are like a virus. We do things that which can help us propagate. So, we get married and have babies. We try to look cool and attract the fittest person so as to have the best baby or we try to have as many love partners as possible so as to have the most babies. Looking at life that way, love loses its meaning.
Love then becomes not something special but a very persuasive agent that helps life propagate. It is really not something to complain of but something to accept. And if we are to accept that, what else should we accept? I did try at one point to escape my nature...but that didn't go so well. Social standards as to how people should behave and conduct their relationships are often proven wrong once human nature reveals itself. Cheating seems to happen often. I wonder sometimes whether hippies got it right when they talked about free love. However, human nature also seems to ask of us a permanent partner which whom can help raise the children. At some point, that part of human nature kicks in and we want to settle. There are so many stories through out time that talk about this. All of this. From open relationships to committed marriages. It is of much importance to hummanity. It is a big part of life. It is about a half of life.
And I am here pondering and wondering. It seems like society seems to want to give us a different story of how things should be. Perhaps I am being too liberal when it comes to love or too cynical. Perhaps with the right education one can escape the many mistakes one could make when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex (like teen pregnancy). Or perhaps, not committing any mistakes is the only mistake that one could make when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. Or thinking that because of one mistake (or many mistakes even) we are doomed or someone else is doomed to not have good romantic love in their life that will lead to a good and lasting relationship.
Sure, we can learn from the mistake of others. But I do wonder whether they are mistakes in the first place. If nature dictates it, it shouldn't be too wrong. To experience many sexual partners, to be seduced into an open relationship, to have a baby out of wedlock. In the extreme case, one could compare it to killing and that although it is natural, it doesn't make it good (unless we are protecting ourselves). And yet, that is life. It happened. That happens. And it will continue to happen. People can actually form couples and marriages that last but is that after or before corruption (as some people might call it) happened?
Maybe I am finally growing up. Maybe I am beginning to understad. So, what is my nature? To learn and to become what I learn. To try and live in what I deem the best way possible. To find the happy medium between human nature and a social love construct. I am yet have a lot to learn. Or perhaps it would be better to say, I yet have a lot to practice.
I will continue on learning and understanding. I hope at some point I have lived loved and triumph at it. You know have proper kids and all...so that they can repeat the cycle yet again. Until I arrive at that point, I shall continue on thinking about how small and big I am in this immense universe. I shall continue enjoying sunny cloudy afternoons. I shall continue to unconditionally appreciate my own existence. I shall continue loving my dear family. And I shall continue to dread going to work.
Until we meet again.