Damn it. We are all evil.
We want to hurt others sometimes for shit and giggles. Well, some of us. We don't really care for others. We just care about ourselves and as long as we are fine...we are fine.
Our hearts are made of darkness. That is why when I meet a genuinely good person, I just want to hug them and never let go. Not literally. I am very much attracted to kind and nice people. Nice and kind people do not need others to walk over them though. We can and should stand for ourselves but also lend a helping hand whenever we can.
And yet, even though I see the beauty of kindness and compassion, my heart seems to also be partially made of darkness. It is the scary and uncomfortable place in my heart. And I wonder whether kind people have this in theirs as well. I can only conclude that they do. I never really met anyone who was kind 24/7 and who didn't let rage reign at least for some time.
And so, as I am staring at the screen, I would like to explore the darkness within me. And yet I get this feeling that to put this darkness into words will make it more real. I suppose the darkness within me wants the easy way in life. As soon as life gets hard, I panic and run away causing mischief to myself because I am not obtaining what I need in life.
Whatever we focus on in life becomes reality. There is always different ways of interpreting life. There is no need to interpret it in worst case scenario. There are better places to put my attention on. Looking on the dark side from time to time might just be okay.
I try not to hurt others but sometimes I unconsciously want to. Hurting others for the sake of their growth, is it really hurting them? If you are a jerk and therefore I am a jerk back and hurt you and make you grow because I hurt you, aren't i being mean but also good in a way since you will fix your attitude in the future?
A bunch of people have hurted me but have they really? Or have they shown me a better way to be. Of course, there might be other ways in which growth can happen. When a kid misbehaves smacking them might be the lazy answer even if it it works. But maybe there are other ways of handling such a child. Damn, I better google this specific scenario because I have no idea.
I often complain how the women I have felt interested in reject me for many a reasons. Though, I haven't really paid attention to how many times I do this myself though not exactly the same way. So, if someone is talking to me and they are showing interest but I don't really care what they are saying because I am not interested in them I will walk away. Literally mid conversation I would say something like I have to go and just walk away. That is just not cool but that's something I would do. And yet I have issues when girls do this to me? I suppose I can be less critical of it from now on.
This girl is too fat. This girl is too sad. This girl is too stupid. This girl has low self-esteem issues. This girl is too old. This girl is weird. This girl is easy. This girl is wearing the flag of her country in her T-shirt which means she is too nationalistic. I've been complaining so much about rejecting others throughout the years and so it is an eureka moment when I realize I do the same.
I am very much like others and I possess some darkness in my heart as well. However, I would rather not focus too much on it or act on it. And so I choose to dwelt on the light of my heart. Feed it and make it stronger.
There is beauty in the world. So, why not look into that and make it grow? There is such a thing as a very happy and successful relationship. There is such a thing as true intimacy. There is such a thing as people who care for strangers. And that is something that I will to constantly be a part of.
Until when then do I get ignore the heart of darkness? isn't it ever present? It will always be there but if it wishes to manifest itself let it always be while I am busy living the good life.