Reflecting, that's what I do somewhere in my home. I am not sure on what memory to focus on. I am not sure what the answer is. I feel terribly alone. I feel like no one can understand the turbulence of my mind. As if my shoes are bigger than what any normal person could put on. If someone could show me compassion...
Compassion? What is it anyway? Understanding someone's pain and wanting to comfort them. Why is that so strange in my life? I remember being sick before and a tender concerned voice--who now I very much love--saying to take care and to drink a lot of liquids to get better. It was an unexpected small act of compassion. And the initial reason of why I might have developed feelings for her.
I am missing that in my life. For someone to care about me and understand the way I feel. For someone who understands how my mind and my heart work. Someone who can appreciate the goodness of my being. Someone I can return these favors to. Someone to help pacify my sorrows and exponentially increase my joys. Someone who understands cold calculating logic with a tender caring heart. It is almost as if I were in a desperate need to be understood.
If it is true that love makes you grow, then I have the potential to grow and so be more compassionate towards others. Because if I feel like the world lacks compassion, I should go out of my way to practice compassion towards others. With the hope of relieving the tremendous solitude in others hearts which is comparable to the solitude of my own.
I only hope I don't grow too old while I wait for the right person to enjoy youthful natural passion with and I hope to not wait to grow old to find tranquility in the deep intimacy that old lovers must feel.
Now I don't really believe in god. But I have the strongest desire to pray. Because I feel like praying is one way of hoping. And the wish would be to believe a little more in myself. So that I can be not only a contemplating intellectual but a major practitioner of a good life. In the hopes of finding that special romantic relationship. In the hopes of being of better service to my community, the world.